We will talk about a common and painful situation: the violence of a husband over his wife. And in this regard, my first question is: what is the reason for domestic violence. Why husbands become wife beater. But before all these let us discuss what is domestic violence.
Domestic violence is a purposeful emotional or violent coercion / action of one person over another, carried out for a specific purpose, contrary to the consent, will and interests of the victim.
The main difference between domestic violence and other types of violence is that it occurs between people who are in close or family relationships.
- 1 What is domestic violence?
- 2 Who’s guilty when a husband beats a wife
- 3 The most common myths and stereotypes associated with domestic violence
- 4 A husband beats his wife – does it means he loves?
- 5 What to do for a person who has experienced domestic violence
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is the deliberate use of various forms of physical, sexual, psychological and economic violence by one family member against another, the result of which is bodily harm, emotional trauma, developmental disabilities or various kinds of damage.
Types of domestic violence
Physical violence – direct or indirect impact on a victim for the purpose of causing physical harm, expressed in injury, severe bodily harm, beatings, kicks, slaps, shocks, slaps, throwing objects, etc.
Sexual assault is violent acts in which a person is forced, threatened or deceived into any form of sexual relations against his will.
Psychological – harm to the psychological health of a person, manifested in insults, intimidation, threats, blackmail, control, etc.
Economic violence – material pressure, which can manifest itself in the prohibition to work or study, deprivation of financial support, full control over expenses.
Medical violence – negligence and delay in the dispensing of drugs, deliberate overdose of a drug, or, conversely, deliberate refusal of a patient to receive the necessary medication.
Neglect – irresponsibility or inability to provide a person with the necessary conditions for life: food, drink, clean clothes, safe and comfortable housing, personal hygiene products, medical care, and more.
Signs of domestic violence
- bump marks, scars, cuts on hands, face, legs and other parts of the body;
- fractures or bruises;
- burn marks;
- sexual touching a person without his consent;
- forcing a person to undress;
- forcing a person to have sexual contact with him.
- constant shouting and threats towards a person;
- swearing and the use of indecent words;
- humiliation of a person;
- ignoring a person when he asks for something.
- ordering services, making donations or unnecessary expenses;
- unexpected financial problems or loss of money;
- using a bank card when a person cannot walk;
- loss of money in a bank account or cash.
All forms of violence are closely related. If the abuser practices physical violence in the family, of course, this causes mental trauma, and not just physical pain. Economic violence is often based on manipulation and control.
Physical trauma and consequences are usually behind sexual assault. As a rule, it is difficult to imagine a situation where the aggressor uses only one type of violence; victims often suffer from the simultaneous manifestation of various types of violence.
1. Increasing tension in relationships
Discontent in relationships increases and communication between family members is disrupted. From the side of the aggressor planning and “preparation” takes place. He / she can visualize a picture of the next attack.
He / she takes pleasure in power from the embodiment of his / her fantasy. In most cases, the abuser is not aware of this inner “preparation” for various reasons. One of them may be the learned “scenario” of relationships in the parental family.
2. Violent incident
There is an outbreak of verbal, emotional or physical violence. Accompanied by rage, arguments, accusations, threats, intimidation.
The abuser apologizes, explains the reason for the abuse, shifts the blame onto the victim, sometimes denies what happened, or convinces the victim of exaggerating the events.
It is hard for the victim, and it is sometimes unbearable for the rapist to be in a state of tension associated with the fact of violence. Therefore, to get rid of the “heavy burden” of responsibility, he / she takes some action. The abuser makes excuses and blames the victim for the reason for his behavior.
Typically, the victim is blamed for her behavior. For example, “If you had tidied up the house, I wouldn’t have to beat you” or “If you had cooked dinner on time, I wouldn’t have to beat you.” The abusive practitioner does not repent of hurting his victim. He can apologize, but to avoid possible punishment. The purpose of this stage is to ensure your impunity.
This is a difficult stage. After being abused, the abuser can turn into the caring, loyal, charming and kind person that she, the victim, loved him. He / she can take to a restaurant, buy flowers, assure her / him that he / she will change. The goal is to keep the victim in the family and maintain a semblance of well-being.
The violent incident is forgotten, the abuser is forgiven. Many women/ men return to their abusive partners for this period when “everything is so good!”, “As if at the beginning of our acquaintance!”, “How he/ she loves me!” … After the honeymoon, the relationship returns to the first stage, and the cycle repeats. Over time, each phase gets shorter, outbursts of violence become more frequent and cause more damage.
Unfortunately, domestic violence is one of the most discussed topics all over the world. During the period of self-isolation, the number of victims’ requests for help from non-profit organizations increased 2.5 times.
Who is to blame – the rapist or the victim, is it possible to beat children for educational purposes and is it necessary in principle to endure beatings in the hope of ephemeral changes – what is the solution.
The most common victims of domestic violence are women. If we look at the hierarchy – who is weaker and who is stronger, then the ratio is clearly not in favor of women. And this applies to all aspects of life – both socially and economically in our state, a woman is poorly protected. She often depends on the man.
A man is encouraged by society to defend his rights – to fight, to impudent and active courtship. He cannot become limp or cry, but he has the right to hit. If a man cries during a conflict, it will be strange for public consciousness. It would be more logical if he starts to fight.
The requirements for women are opposite. On the contrary, she should soften rough edges, be polite and resolve all conflicts with words, and for physical proceedings between women there are offensive labels such as “cat fights”. A man’s fight is always a real fight.
Violence does not correlate with intelligence or social well-being. There are many cases when educated and even brilliant people showed violence towards loved ones.
A person can be anyone, a professional in his field, a high-ranking official, a doctor, an intellectual – his social status in itself is not a guarantee for those who are with him. Violence comes from the possession of power and the desire to hurt another. That is why it occurs in any environment, including a safe one.
Who’s guilty when a husband beats a wife
The injured party (usually a woman, but in a couple and a woman can be the author of the violence) is never to blame for being hit. She cannot be held responsible for the fist flying in her face. The one to whom this fist belongs is responsible for it. But society nevertheless often tries to find an excuse for the rapist and blame the victim for everything.
This behaviour can be explained by the social phenomenon “just world”. We all know that we are fragile and mortal, and that anything can happen to us. But we prefer to “close” from this knowledge and live as if we are in control of the situation: if we behave well and correctly, the world will respond in kind.
If I am kind to people, then they will be kind to me. If I love a person and care about him, then he should also reciprocate me. This is one of the basic human illusions.
And when a person is faced with a difficult situation, for example, a woman sees her friend with a broken face, the first thing she will ask is: “Why is he doing this to you?” This is a defensive reaction. An attempt to preserve the idea of a “just world”, in which a friend allegedly did something wrong and was punished for this.
It is difficult for us to come to terms with the irrational and unjust cruelty, with the cruel truth of our defenselessness and the danger of the world. We prefer to believe that we are immortal – we plan something for years to come and live as if we are in control. That is why the first feelings that the injured party experiences are shame and guilt.
The concept of a “just world” is so strong that the victim herself starts looking for causal relationships and trying to find the situation in which she misbehaved… This is necessary in order not to make such “mistakes” in the future. After all, if you behave correctly, then everything will be fine.
This is a strong cognitive bias. If the injured person remains in such a situation for a long time, his psyche is deformed. He believes: if he says differently, he dresses differently, otherwise he smiles, otherwise he does something, then the beatings will stop. This is a very strong psychological defense, and in order to “break” it, you need awareness and awareness.
And we have a problem with that. After all, our society focuses on the victim herself – on what she is wearing, how she behaves. Women do not want to admit that this is possible, and men – that they are capable of this. In this situation, it is important that next to the victim there is a person who will support and tell the simple truth that violence is in principle unacceptable.
The same concept of a “just world” says that if you are attacked by a stranger on the street, then you deserve the pity and support of society. Although in the case of sexual violence, there is no guarantee that the person will receive support. Nevertheless, it legitimizes the fact that you are the aggrieved party and have the right to complain.
Domestic violence is getting tougher. A woman may think: like I chose him myself, he is a good father and at the very beginning he courted so beautifully. This makes her even more ashamed. And since no one is able to turn off feelings in one second, she can still continue to love her tormentor.
In addition, it often happens like this: in the morning the husband hit his wife, and at lunchtime, as if nothing had happened, he talks to her and smiles. A woman does not understand how this is possible, she is lost, she ceases to believe her own perception. She must combine this image of him aggressive with his own romantic courtship, falling in love, children and family.
It is difficult for her to realize that everything has collapsed. Only tens of hundreds of thousands of women are able to immediately pack up their things, pick up the children and leave. But such women, as a rule, have where to go – there are loved ones who will accept and support them. But if there is no support or escape routes, the situation becomes a vicious circle.
A woman continues to live with her rapist, and the longer she lives with him, the more she is afraid and the less she understands herself. All the more, unfortunately, the society has reasons to say: “She didn’t leave.”
There are many reasons for violence. There are organic reasons – a person is incapable of empathy, does not know how to feel other people. Violence is often reproduced by those who themselves were abused in childhood. A newborn child is a blank slate, and what behavioral patterns he will form depends on his environment.
Violent people grew up in an environment in which there was no opportunity to develop empathy. When they are angry, they have no control tools and no impulses to stop them. Agree, every person at least once wanted to hit someone or even kill someone. Why don’t we do this? Not only because it is scary. We feel the suffering of the other person.
We have mirror neurons working, and we try on ourselves the pain that we can potentially inflict on another. And it hurts us to imagine someone else’s pain. But if a person was raised with the idea that he is better than others, that strength is the main value and priority, or violence was used against him, then growing up he becomes a potential rapist.
People who practice domestic violence were interviewed and tried to find out why they did it. So, they had a lot of excuses, reasons: they just wanted to teach or teach a lesson, they themselves were brought, argued with them, but there was nothing – this is all a text that shows the attitude towards the other not as equal. Your partner should be your equal.
Can a child be taught through beatings? We are responsible for him and are obliged to teach him everything we know, but to beat him and say that it is for his own good means destroying his psyche. Subsequently, he will think that “love and beat” is the norm. That love is humiliation.
The most common myths and stereotypes associated with domestic violence
Violence is a parenting element
Violence is not only bruising, bruising and scarring on the skin, it is also a blow to the person. Often, people who were systematically beaten, growing up, say: “They beat me, and nothing – I grew up as a man.”
Nevertheless, studies show the opposite – such children behave worse in stressful situations and in adulthood have an increased risk of encountering various kinds of addictions, for example, becoming drug addicts or alcoholics.
Violence against a child hits various aspects of his life and reflects badly on his future. The world is becoming unsafe for him. He has more problems in relationships – it is more difficult for him to believe that he can be loved just like that.
Violence is a manifestation of love
The phrase “beats means love” has nothing to do with love and can be interpreted as “you are my property, and I have the right to do whatever I want with you.” Even if a woman stays at home, and the family lives on the husband’s salary, this does not give him the right to beat anyone – neither his wife nor children.
This is not love. Love implies equality – you are together voluntarily. From the moment of the first blow, you will never know whether a person is voluntarily with you or out of fear.
In the family – between husband and wife – there can be no sexual violence
If people live together for more than one year, then it is unlikely that sexual desire will be at the same level every day. People can be sick, tired, sleepy and just don’t want sex . And also not want him for a thousand more reasons. And forcing a person to have sex with you against their will means raping them.
Women, often driven by the fear of being abandoned or the myth “since the husband, I have to”, force themselves to have sex at the request of their partner, but this is a destructive and harmful practice. Neither you nor your partner are required to have sex if you don’t want to.Sometimes men get angry and ask: “How is it, and why does she not want to? Why did you marry me?”
Well, when I came out, I wanted to. It means that something has changed, and you need to look for reasons if the relationship is dear to you. Look for causes of cooling and eliminate them. But nothing gives you the right to rape your partner. Do you consider sex a vital necessity, “take it out and put it down”? You have the right to look for another partner. But don’t rape.
Family is sacred, for the sake of a child you can tolerate
The family is a single organism. And if the bruises can be hidden, then a bad mood, fear and tears cannot be hidden. Children instantly read such things and suffer greatly from them. Seeing that dad beats mom, and after that she covers up the bruises and smiles, the children are faced with a difficult question – firstly, they must somehow explain what is happening to themselves, and secondly, decide whether it is right or not. Most likely, even if a hand is not raised against them, they are insanely scared. Or insanely bitter.
There should be only one reason why the victim may stay in the relationship and “try again”: the abuser really realizes his guilt and wants to change. Only in this case, it makes sense to stay and see what it will lead to. This is not about “another chance,” but about the idea of demanding mercy.
You can help a person change, but only if he himself wants it and is actively doing something for this. In domestic violence, there is a cycle where they first beat, then apologize and arrange a “honeymoon”, and then beat again. Therefore, it is important not only the desire for change but also the action itself, the desire for a lasting result.
A husband beats his wife – does it means he loves?
We will talk about a common and painful situation: the violence of a husband over his wife. And in this regard, my first question is: what is the reason for domestic violence, why does the head become a tyrant? Everyone knows the dictum of the Apostle: “Let the wife of her husband be afraid,” and, not understanding the deep meaning of what was said, often this attitude is taken literally and the husband from the head of the family grows into a despot.
There is another call in the Gospel, which is sometimes taken literally: the call to have the fear of God. And long ago the holy fathers explained that a person should not fear punishment coming from God, not His anger, but fear to sadden Him with his own behavior.
But some people still believe that it is about the need to fear the despotism of the Creator. And this is also why many of our compatriots are still avoiding church life, that they do not want to limit their freedom and do not want to be afraid of their own fictional cruel god.
The phrase that you said – “Let the wife of her husband be afraid” – as I understand it, has the same meaning: a wife should be afraid to upset her husband, be afraid of losing his trust and his love. But, of course, there is no question of being afraid of the presence of your spouse. What kind of husband is this if he has entered the house, and the wife is already beginning to shake like an aspen leaf?
The animal fear of physical or moral violence is incompatible with love. Relationships that include constant fear are acceptable and normal only for spiritually sick people. For healthy people, they are unbearable and abnormal.
How does the head of a family become a despot? This is a simple question. This is mainly because it is easier to be a despot in a family than to be its head. We know a lot of examples from the life of power structures, for example, army units, which demonstrate to us that it is always easier to command, if you have the power and the strength to keep it, than to think and act.
It’s always easier to command than to be responsible for the decisions you make. And if a person gets used to command, without learning to think at the same time, not having learned to love the people he controls, and to bear responsibility for their fate, then this habit of his develops into a passion.
He begins to enjoy the power, which becomes evidence of his superiority over subordinates, which is strengthened and increased as she grows.
Hierarchy is necessary both in the family and in any collective. People are always needed who are able to quickly make the necessary decisions, determine the responsibilities of other people that they must fulfill in order to achieve goals. And not necessarily the father of the family or the commander of the ship should consult with someone, because managing a family or a military unit is his job, his duty.
A father, boss or commander will not become despotic if he remembers his responsibility for the fate of family members or subordinates, remember the goals for the achievement of which he took power or was endowed with it.
As long as this goal and responsibility are known and important to a person in power, he will never become a despot, if only because he will understand that people strive to escape from despotism at any cost, to run away. The effectiveness of despotism as an approach to government is extremely low.
A person deprived of his dignity, devoid of the healthy initiative, constantly enduring bullying, will not want and will not be able to carry out the orders coming from the despot, qualitatively and conscientiously. But for a despot, this is no longer important, his motivation is already different: he does not want to competently manage what is entrusted to him, in our case the family, but just wants to satisfy his passion and rise above others, which is fundamentally opposed to the main task that is in front of him worth it.
The people still often repeat the following proverb: “If he hits, then he loves,” and often a woman takes this statement for truth, and with its help she tries to come to terms with violence. How true is this in general?
This statement is fundamentally wrong. Is it if we love someone, for example, at least our dog, then we beat it? Our indicator of love for a person, moreover, is determined not at all by how much we beat him. It is enough just to come to someone’s house and see how a person beats his child, and then confidently say: “If he beats him like that, then it means he DOES NOT love.”
When people confess their love to each other, before marriage, they confess, excuse me, not after each other has been kicked out, otherwise not a single marriage could have taken place. First he says: “I love you, I want to give you the whole world, I want to do something for you,” and so on. And when a woman agrees to get married, a new interpretation of love suddenly appears, and the man declares: “I beat you, so I love you, because everyone says so”.
Where did this interpretation come from?
It is not just that one follows from the other, beats, loves, but is directly opposite to the other. On the contrary, when he loves, then he does not hit. And when he beats, it means that he just doesn’t like it. I think that this is a kind of justification for the harsh reality in a situation where a woman is forced to make a choice between her husband and freedom from violence, but does not dare.
And, of course, this proverb itself appeared in traditional Russian society, in some village or village, three hundred years ago, when a woman really could not leave her husband anywhere, could not file for divorce, could not get rid of beatings. But it is natural for a person to somehow justify himself and his loved ones, it is peculiar to seek at least an illusory, but consolation.
And this excuse flowed smoothly from antiquity to our time, because the problem of domestic violence in our world has survived, although absolutely nothing, I mean there is no wisdom behind this excuse. No one can ever clearly explain how this frank beatings can be associated with a pure feeling of love.
Now we live in a different society, where a woman can almost always leave her husband if for some reason he does not suit her. But the question arises: if a woman has become a victim of violence from her husband, then how much should she endure, forgive his similar behavior, when, after all, should an end be put in the relationship? Maybe immediately after he first raised his hand against her, file for divorce?
It’s not that simple here. In itself, violence against a weak person is far from a commendable phenomenon. But still, we must take into account that absolutely all of us are human, absolutely none of us is imperfect, and each of us makes mistakes. Sometimes the wife brings her husband to such a state that he will not be able to cope with himself at some point and will hit her. After all, there are people who are very impulsive, for whom it is objectively difficult to cope with an emotional tide, harder than others.
It is necessary to understand each specific case, to find out the reasons for each manifestation of violence separately. Because if a man came home drunk and began to look for opportunities to get to someone because it became hard in his drunken soul, and now he needs to somehow establish himself at the expense of his household, and he hit his wife – this is one thing.
But if the wife, before her husband hit her, systematically ignored the instructions and requests of her husband, and as a result the child suffered because of this, then this is a completely different situation. Therefore, it is hard for me to speak unequivocally about how many times a husband can hit his wife so that she can go and file for divorce. In each situation, there are always too many individual nuances to give some general advice “for everyone.”
The only thing we can say for sure is that if violence was used, then not everything is in order in the family. And in order to find a way out of such a situation, it is necessary, firstly, to find out what caused what happened, secondly, to evaluate all the variety of nuances that I spoke about, and thirdly, to assess the damage itself caused to the victim.
Because it is one thing to hit a person on the arm, and quite another to kick him. And if a person once allowed himself such a beating, which led one of his loved ones to the hospital with serious injuries, then this is a good reason to think very seriously about the need to live further in such a family. After all, the next time the result of a family scandal may already be death.
Based on the above, it turns out that in a family such a situation is possible when you can still justify your husband, when is it permissible to raise your hand?
No, such situations do not exist! There are no situations when it is permissible to violate the criminal code! But, nevertheless, the severity of crimes is different, and in the Criminal Code itself there are many possible types of punishment, and it is one thing to commit an especially grave crime, and quite another to go under the article “petty hooliganism”. In any case, violence is a crime. A crime against the family, the severity of which, however, like any other crime, can vary.
I repeat: in what case, after a woman has become a victim of violence, should she put an end to her relationship with her husband and not tolerate him further?
It is definitely worth putting an end to it if a person commits violence regularly, if he commits it in a state of alcoholic, drug intoxication, if he does not regret it at all, if he revels in his own strength. In this case, of course, the point must be put, because usually, unfortunately, such defects have a malignant course.
You know, a person who commits violence is about the same as with fighting dogs, who become fighting dogs after they first feel the blood of another dog. That’s all, this is enough to change their program of behavior fundamentally, then they are already attracted to violence instinctively. Further, it already carries a person if he does not receive an adequate rebuff.
Then it seems to him that he can continue to hurt others, over and over again, and with each precedent of unpunished violence it is harder and harder for him to stop and change. He is no longer looking for any other ways to resolve the conflict; he already has a completely clear path along which he is going, and this path is violence.
Further, of course, you need to get divorced when the violence affects children, including when it traumatizes children psychologically. If a woman is beaten in front of a child, if the child suffers from this, or if the father beats the child, beats him severely, then in this situation the woman should first of all think about the child.
And although it is hard for children to live without a father, violence and scenes of violence are a very terrible phenomenon for the child’s psyche, which cannot be tolerated. Which can then greatly affect the fate of the child, his formation, his development, his entire future life, his stereotypes of behavior, including his own future family?
How can a woman fight back her husband when a dangerous situation only arises, when she is still in conception, and how to fight back if she has already flared up? And the second point: how, in principle, to neutralize a man’s aggression? Can a woman eradicate domestic violence?
As for the opportunity to change a man, to make him give up violence, I can say with confidence that no woman will ever be able to fundamentally change her man. In general, none of us can change another person if that person does not want change. You can only change yourself, and this is what you should do.
As for the means that would allow a woman to stop the aggression of her husband, there are, of course, no such universal means. Here, one should also take into account where the violence occurs, what are the psychological and physical characteristics of a man, whether he is drunk or sober, therefore, in each case, something of his own can actually stop him. In one case, it is enough to order him to stop, in another case, only a police outfit will help.
But it is absolutely certain that when a person in a dangerous situation for him begins to panic, when he loses his composure, the consequences of this situation will be much more difficult for him than if he maintains composure, if he keeps the situation under relative control, makes attempts to achieve its peaceful rather than violent permission.
After all, how often does it happen in our families? The husband, tired after work, comes home, a quarrel arises over a trifle. He is a word – she is two, he is further, she is even more, and as a result, this verbal skirmish can no longer end in anything good, there is the use of physical violence of the strong against the weak.
Sometimes the husband gets a frying pan from his wife, as is also traditionally accepted in our country. If a woman in such a situation did not allow her emotions to get the better of herself, if she calculated how it could end, and broke her pride in the heat of passion, then there would be no further escalation of the conflict, and violence could have been avoided.
After all, basically all wives know what their husbands are capable of, but they do not always apply this knowledge in practice. That is, somewhere you can and should be more flexible. For example, it is difficult to come to an agreement with drunk people about something, but you can not get on the rampage, try to calculate the development of the situation in advance, accordingly building your own defense.
You can call someone in time, not delay calling the police, prepare some escape routes so that you can leave on time, or, conversely, close the door with a key in front of a potential rapist. All this must be calculated in advance, at the very beginning of the development of a dangerous situation, at the very beginning of the development of the conflict, and then violence, in principle, can still be avoided.
Your statement that a woman can never change her husband, because you always want to believe in the best, sounds quite pessimistic. You said that a woman needs to work on herself, but it seems to me that this is still a joint work of both spouses. And above all, a woman needs to enter into a constructive dialogue with her husband in order to jointly change the situation in the family. Can’t spouses do anything together?
No, together, of course, it is possible and even necessary. But often scandals and domestic violence are followed by a bunch of grievances, both from one side and the other. The husband usually considers himself right and undeserved that his violence is imputed to him. The wife considers herself an injured party, of course, she is also right, and there is no dialogue, the situation is not resolved. Each believes that he is right and that the other should apologize and change at his will. There is no equal dialogue.
The spouses often do not agree on any rules of conduct in their family. Both husband and wife have been living on their own wave for years, each considers his own rules to be the only true for the whole family and does not consider it necessary to discuss them. Would it be nice to have such a commercial relationship between companies, where each of the parties itself established the rules and procedures for the execution of the transaction, without discussing them with other parties?
Each participant in such a transaction would soon apply to arbitration, convincing the court that his partner has violated some of his obligations, of which he has no idea. It would be a senile business situation, but this is how it is in today’s family!
In any other human community there are some firmly established rules, even in the metro, where everything is simple and clear, we follow specially developed and established rules for using the metro. But we don’t have that in our family. No one, never practically, I have not personally met such cases, when creating my family does not discuss with my spouse which of them should and what should not do, who is responsible for what, who does what. And so on to the nuances.
Sometimes in group sessions, I ask people to write ten principles each, just ten laws for their family, that the husband and wife would discuss together. They write almost some kind of constitution, only the most general words about love, care, and respect for each other! This is not specific, this is all nonsense!
We do not have any specific behavioral algorithms in our families. And if there are no specifically prescribed algorithms, and everyone stays on their own wavelength, then the conflict is in principle inevitable. For any question: taking out the trash, making breakfast, buying clothes, raising a child. We need to sit down, we need to understand the reasons for the disagreements, without unnecessary offense, without bias. You need to be prepared that you may be wrong.
It’s another matter if one of the spouses refuses to discuss the problem. Then yes, we can conclude that he does not want to work on himself, he does not want to establish any rules. And naturally, the future of the family, unfortunately, cannot be insured against the recurrence of violence. If a husband who beats his wife constantly convinces her and others that only he is right, using violence in some situations,
If a man and a woman have not yet become husband and wife and they have time to get to know each other and understand what their future spouse is like, are there any signs by which you can recognize a man who can use violence in his family? It is clear that in the premarital period, both men and women demonstrate to each other basically only their best qualities, and all significant shortcomings manifest themselves in full force only with the experience of living together. But still, what should a future wife pay attention to?
In order to reliably determine the character and inclinations of the future spouse with a high degree of probability, it would be good for both man and woman to pass special tests, to work with a good psychologist. I can name several criteria, some character traits and features of a man’s life that his future wife should pay attention to, but I will say right away that their presence or absence does not give any guarantee.
First of all, a low level of intelligence is potentially violent. People with poor mental development, as a rule, are inclined to solve problematic issues by purely physical methods, but again I will make a reservation, this is only a general tendency for this category, this cannot be said about all of them.
A more accurate indicator is alcohol abuse, which certainly contributes to the manifestation of violence. You should also pay attention to the aggressive behavior of a man in a company or on the street or in a team. If a man is constantly prone to starting fights, clashes with other people, prone to quarrels and clarification of relations in a raised voice, then we can confidently expect that he will resolve issues in his family with the same methods.
Tellingly, some men in the courtship stage like to demonstrate their fearlessness in the face of violence, if they have it. A man is the protector of the family, he should be brave, but when the future spouse immediately starts a fight because of some petty remark or joke heard on the street, in a traffic jam or in a restaurant, then the future wife should think about
Further, people who have been in a certain social environment for a long time are often prone to violence, where your place in the hierarchy is associated with how you can work with fists. Unfortunately, these are not only places of deprivation of liberty, but also the current army, and orphanages, and other similar closed organizations.
And, of course, the main indicator by which one can predict a man’s propensity to violence in the family is, in general, his attitude towards other people, including his parents.
If he constantly condemns other people, if a person has high self-esteem, he considers himself superior to other people, if he is not used to thinking about solving a problem, but is used to solving it with daring methods … And also if a man already had relationships with other women who were interrupted due to his use of violence, this is very good reason to think about how happy your family life will be with him.
What do you think, is it worth associating life with such a person, in the hope that in the future he will change, improve?
If this question is in front of you, then you should not ask the psychologist, because by doing so he will have to take part of the responsibility for the consequences of your decision. Everyone must make this difficult choice and be responsible for it. And this choice must be approached very carefully and seriously.
You cannot, as is often the case, trust your fantasies and dreams not confirmed by life about your “soul mate”, with whom you will always be happy, live to a ripe old age and die in one day. You need to adhere to realistic ideas, you need to look at things soberly, not to wear rose-colored glasses over your eyes, and then mistakes in choosing, whatever your partner may be, can usually be avoided.
What to do for a person who has experienced domestic violence
Domestic violence often leads to isolation. That is why it is important not to cut off social ties and not refuse to communicate with people. You need to try not to get addicted and look for help – go to crisis centers or psychologists. It’s like with children: a child is taught from childhood – if someone bothers you, you need to come up and tell the teacher about it.
If he does not react in any way, then you need to go to another teacher or another adult. You need to seek help until there is someone who can solve the problem. The same is the case with violence: you need to find a support group. Just be careful on the Internet – there you will most likely get a stream of dirt with words of sympathy. Look for people who are absolutely supportive.
As soon as a crisis comes, you have the right to divide everyone into two groups: after communicating with them I feel better / after communicating with them I feel worse, and communicate only with people from the first group. Moreover, even parents and close friends may end up in the second, then communication with them should be stopped for a while.
But a support group is needed – it is difficult to get out of the cycle of domestic violence alone.
There is no global conspiracy against women, but women are much more likely to be victims of domestic and domestic violence. Men are also victims of domestic violence, but much less often. We can say that these are two different sides of patriarchy.
Men drink more, because they relieve stress with alcohol, get sick more often and die earlier, including from emotional stress that they cannot express. A “real” man is more likely to break apart than to share or ask for help. So everyone suffers from this value system.